High school students and college-age adults have been complaining to District officials that the free condoms the city has been offering are not of good enough quality and are too small and that getting them from school nurses is “just like asking grandma or auntie.”
So D.C. officials have decided to stock up on Trojan condoms, including the company’s super-size Magnum variety, and they have begun to authorize teachers or counselors, preferably male, to distribute condoms to students if the teachers complete a 30-minute online training course called “WrapMC” — for Master of Condoms.
“If people get what they don’t want, they are just going to trash them,” said T. Squalls, 30, who attends the University of the District of Columbia. “So why not spend a few extra dollars and get what people want?”
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In other news:
International Failbank has had little success thwarting bank robberies until their most recent strategy. They’ve removed panic buttons, cameras, and on-site security. There are now signs at all entrances to advertise this, and an “acceptable loss” account has been set up. This new account provides a way for cashiers to access vast amounts of cash and hand it out to what the bank is now calling “insistant requesters of cash without account.”
In the same spirit, foreign car manufactuer Faylehardt will begin a new program soon to prevent theft from their open lots by allowing would-be purchasers to test drive new cars for an unlimited amount of time.
Not to be outdone, several coastal states are starting port-side manufacturing plants to produce cocaine to be stocked at the borders for those who’ve had a difficult time smuggling it in. Police Chief, Oliver Stupidbuttface had this to say, “I just got so tired of talking to people about drugs. I mean who am I to say what they should or shouldn’t do? I almost died in my youth when I was addicted to drugs and had to fight to get cleaned up, so you have no idea how painful it is to see these kids wrestle with us day in and day out over this issue. I don’t want to be reminded of my mistakes! That’s in the past! And I mean, I did it, so how can I be such a hypocrite to tell them not to?!”